Dreams vs. Fears: Confronting the Paralysis of Ambition

There are some moments in life that you could say — this was the moment my life changed.

The 19th January was mine.

I was feeling awful. I could not go to bed because that would mean that the next morning was coming faster. I had no energy or motivation to do anything. I wanted to just sleep and disappear.

It all came down at my job. I slept that night for just 4 hours because I felt depressed, tired, and unmotivated and did not want to go to work. And I really like my job. It was unlike me.

So I had a thought: maybe something is wrong. This is not normal. What could have caused this?

When I had a small moment of free time, I asked myself a question.

What am I running away from?

And why?

I just wrote down all that came to mind. And, oh boy! I was terrified of failure!

I did not want to do anything because I was afraid! Also, I had set too high expectations of myself that I could not meet. Of course, that feels unmotivating. No wonder I did not want to wake up in the morning.

So I started writing, and it all came to the 14th of January:

I had a new planner. It had a section where you could plan your life. So?

I wrote my plans and dreams for my future.

Goals, plans, and dreams for the next few years, the next 10 years, and the and the next 20 years. I planned it all out, and I was inspired to start working towards them.

But when you do these kinds of exercises, you want to get to your dreams fast, right now. You feel like you need to get there now or need to do something to get towards them; otherwise, they will never come true.

These dreams paralyzed me. I was so afraid to do anything because I was afraid to fail. When you write out your dreams and admit to yourself what you want, it gets really scary. Because you now know the exact way you can fail. And you do not want to fail.

So I did nothing about my plans. I tried, sure, but I was so overwhelmed and tired that I started to run away from everything.

How did I get out of it?

I scrapped everything. My blog, math, reading, and writing — everything. I just found my priority — exercise — and concentrated on that.

I set a very low bar for success.

How do I do that? I already wrote it here — How I exercised every day for 10 weeks…at 5:40 A.M.

I concentrated on one thing, and I did only that for a while. At some point, everything else just fell into place.

So how did I get over my fear of dreams?

I am not sure I did.

It just sits there. In the back of my mind.

But I feel like I am going forward, so it does not trouble me. I know that I am making progress and doing everything I can. (within limits and concentrating on health)

It quietens the voice.

Actually doing things cures thoughts.

I hope this helps.

Here are some excerpts from my writing from January 19th that changed everything:

“I am tired. So tired. I do not want to face reality. I think that I have made a bit too big of a demand for myself. I want to read, write, exercise, and do math — four things I have struggled to do for a long time. Why did I think doing them at the same time would be productive and successful?

It is so weird. I have a vision board. I want to make my dreams a reality. And all I need to do is follow my plan. But I am not a robot. I guess I thought that all I had to do was plan it, and it would just be done. But it is not like that. I am a human being, and I have only so much will.”

“Why am I afraid of failing my dreams?

They do not seem real. They seem too far — 20 years in the future. I could succeed in them if I took one step at a time. But it seems so big, so overwhelming. (Enter here my actual dream, which I will not tell you…)AHHHHH, too much. I am scared of my dreams — scared of not getting them, scared of even acknowledging them.

On the other hand, what if I act like it will happen? What if I could get them to come true? What if I make them happen? What if I grow, evolve, and do?

It seems like I do not have the belief that it is possible. I have to work on that. Because not believing is crippling me. I am running away.

Personally, my reality is everything I have ever wanted. Like, why do I want to run away from it? It seems like my life is changing, and it is for the best, but it is also very scary. It feels like I am on the edge — one step and I will fall down. I could just not show up for work one time.

It is scary because I have never been this far. Success is also scary. I have so much to lose now. Job, friends, studies, blog, body, and my mental health. The progress I have made in my life — it seems like I am so close to losing it, and it is scaring me.

No wonder I am running away; I am so scared all the time.”

“If I am running away, then something is wrong. Running away now is not my normal state. There is a problem, and I need to fix it.

That is how to get further. By writing and fixing my own emotional problems.”

“I have what I want. I’m just not really satisfied with myself. Like, looking outside, it is perfect. Inside, I feel so unsatisfied and grumpy, tired all the time. I kind of now understand how people could have perfect lives but feel so dead inside.

Not that I am dead or have the perfect life. But I have gone so far. I am just tired of myself, of my “failures,” of trying to be perfect.

I do not need to be perfect anymore. Simply put, I am asking far too much of myself. My inner thoughts are: You want this, don’t you? So you have to be better and better if you want to succeed. I believe that to be true. And it is in a way. We need to grow all the time, but I strain myself too much. Ask too much all at once. And that is not all right. I need to be a bit more gentle and forgiving. But it is so hard when I want to be there!

I have to accept that I can be gentle with myself, take care of myself mentally, and I can get there even then. Also, if I strain myself, it feels like a waste; I would not enjoy what I have when I have all that I ever wanted.

I need to convey the feelings. Live in the moment.

Take it one day at a time. Go through what I need to do, what I need to do to take care of myself — I have created my rutines for a reason. Just…take care.

I can’t do it all at once, and I do not need to.”